The X Factor

Okay, being an ex is never easy, especially when children are involved. As you go your separate ways you will both become involved in new relationships and your lives will only be connected through your children. We all hope to have a cordial relationship, but many of us are faced with bitter exes who are out to destroy us emotionally. I recently found myself in a very uncomfortable situation were my ex had moved in with his girlfriend and decided not to tell me about this new transition. Yes, the kids and everyone involved lied to me about the entire situation for at least a month. As a mother I was devastated. I am not a Jazmine Sullivan or Carrie Underwoood, bust your windows out your car, kind of girl. I just don't have it in me to waste my time destroying peoples property. So when I asked my ex if the move was true and he lied, then told me he didn't think it was important that I knew where our kids stayed while they were with him or whom he had them around, I had to pause. So I went a step further and asked if I could meet his girlfriend because according to the kids they were spending time with her on the weekends, again his reply was no.

Now understand something, I don't care about his new relationship, in fact I'm very happy that he has finally found 'true love' as he likes to remind me. My problem is with the dishonesty and secrecy. Why would you tell me that my kids are staying the weekend at one location when in fact they are across town somewhere else at an undisclosed location. My next problem is with the girlfriend coming to my house with 'it' on her mind, getting out of the car and trying to 'start something' about a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with her. That made me wonder, 'What kind of woman are you? And do I even want my kids around someone who is willing to jump their mother while they are sitting innocently in the car you just hopped out of?" Ladies, if you are dating a guy who has kids please stay out of whatever is going on with him and his ex and believe only half of what he tells you about her. Some guys will use you to do their dirty work; get you all rilled up and ready to beat his baby mama down and you don't even know HER side of the story. Maybe he really doesn't pay his child support? Maybe she moved into a gated community because he was stalking her and she felt threaten. Maybe he comes up with excuses not to keep the kids when it's his weekend vs. she is refusing to allow him to see his children. And if he constantly refers to her as a bitch or a ho maybe you need to take a long hard look at him. Is this really about her or the well being of their children or is this about him and his big ego? Is he really over her? And why did she REALLY walk out of the relationship? When a man can't be respectful to the mother of his children; and what I mean by this is, he calls her by her name and treats her cordially (I understand that someone women can be difficult, let's keep it real), then you need to proceed with caution. Because if he doesn't respect the mother of his children what in the world does he really think of you?

When my ex whisked our kids off for the weekend, still refusing to tell me their whereabouts, I was a hot mess. Not only had he allowed his girlfriend to disrespect me in front of my home, but they drove off into the sunset without giving me any information about my children; babies I had carried for nine months. No one can describe the pain that I felt that day. I cried, snotted, and couldn't understand why someone would be this deceitful. Then it hit me. This was a form of emotional abuse! Bring the girlfriend and allowing her to get out of the car with a major attitude, not telling me where he was taking the kids to spend the weekend, all mental punches because they damage you on the inside. No one knows the damage except you.

So how did I survive? I prayed that God would watch over my children and help their dad to get some understanding that I wasn't going any where. We have ten long years to continue to be connected through our children. I can be all kinds of bitches and ho's in his mind, but at the end of the day I am still their mother; one who loves her children dearly. As for his girlfriend, well, I pity her. She is a single mother too, having raised two children alone, before my ex entered into her life. I pity her because of all people she should know better and because she is a mother she should want to meet me and assure me in a positive way that my kids will be okay when they are in her care. Acting ghetto fabulous on our first unofficial meeting was a major turn off. Him allowing her to act ghetto fabulous only confirmed what I was already thinking "that he's gotten inside of your head too."

Don't be a fool over a man. Never come between him and his ex. Always know your position in a relationship and play it well. You are not there to fight his battles and if the battles are increasing maybe it's time for you to throw up a white flag and bail out too!

Dating 101

As a single mama, I have to admit that dating ain't what it used to be. Since separating from my ex in 2007, I've found myself fumbling in the dating department; running across everything from the gay guy who needed a piece of eye candy to throw off his family and friends, to the jobless leech who needed a place to lay up. Now you know I was like "hell-to-the-no!" But in the back of my mind I kept asking myself "what in the world is going on, where are all of the good men and why am I a magnet for losers?" Ten years is a long time to be in a marriage that isn't working, only to enter the dating scene to figure out that the pickings are slim to none when it comes to a decent man. I was tired of getting it wrong; this time I was going to get it right! I'd found out the hard way that it's a concrete jungle out there and if you're not careful, you'll be eaten alive. But I have hope, that one day I'll be like Michelle and God will send me my Barack. But I also know that faith without works is dead so I needed to figure out how I was going to receive this man when he did come into my life. So I enrolled in Dating 101. Armed with a ton of relationship books including the new ones by Comedian, Steve Harvey and Patti Stanger from BRAVO's Millionaire Matchmaker, I was determined to pass this class with an A+.

One thing I've learned since enrolling in my self imposed correspondence class, is that there are a lot of hurt people in the world; people who have been abused, burned, tormented and scorned in past relationships. And even though they believe that they are ready to move on, that excess luggage is holding them back emotionally. Stop for a moment and take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me right now?" Come on, would you want to date someone who is emotionally damaged? Take out a few weeks and invest in a damn good therapist. Believe me, it'll be worth it.

Secondly, men are visual creatures. If they like what they see then they'll break their necks to get with you. So what does that mean for you? Join a gym, spruce up your wardrobe, including investing in some sexy heels (men love the way our legs look while wearing them) and add some pizazz to that boring hair do. Next, get some standards. So many women have allowed men to disrespect them and that is so not cool. You are not a doormat so stop acting like one. And guess what, men want women to have standards; to hold them accountable. These days, it will set you apart from the pact of 'drop if like it's hot girls' and solidify your standings as a true woman.

Now you need to figure out what you want in a man. Take 30 minutes out of your busy schedule and make a list of the qualities that you want your perfect man to have. Trust me, this will save you a lot of heartache and time when it comes to dating. And wouldn't you prefer to have a black and white sketch of what the right guy for you will look like, how he will act and his financial status? Yes, it's okay if you want a man who makes a certain amount of money and is financially secure. Me, personally, a broke man who is still trying to find his way in the world and living with his mama can keep it moving. I'm 40...you've got to bring something to the table besides some good conversation and great sex.

Now you're ready to meet your Mr. Right. A lot of people are advocating the Internet as a great networking tool that allows you to meet new and exciting people. Some have went so far and said that you're not serious about dating if you don't include online dating sites as a resource. Remember the gay guy I mentioned earlier? Okay...that was my experience with online dating! The Internet allows people to be deceitful, dishonest and manipulative. After that experience, I must admit that I've tried several other sites, but we never gotten past e-mails or the first phone conversation. I've discovered that in addition to being a total mystery, most of these men lack social skills too. Now I solicit the help of my family members and friends to play matchmaker. At least I can pick their brain about the guy and I know everything is on the up and up because he was 'referred to me' - lol.

And seriously, you really need to get out of the house girlfriend. You are not going to meet your perfect man by sitting on your couch and watching television. Become a patron of establishments that your perfect man would frequent. Join a health club, take up golf, cheer on your favorite team at a sporting event, browse the local book store, grab a latte from your local coffee shop. Take a class at your local college or attend a networking event or a conference. Do happy hour at an upscale restaurant or bar. My point is, you've got to make yourself visible.

So you've met the man of your dreams, now let him hunt you, yes as in jungle, safari. It's a part of their DNA. I know about all of that independent woman stuff...and where has it gotten us? No damn where! So stop running behind men. If the man you're interested in doesn't pursue you, then he's not into you - period, the end! And no matter what you claim you can do, believe me, you will not change his mind. I don't care what you're skills are in the bedroom. And while were talking about giving up the cookies; if you guys do become an item and began to date, put him on a 3 month plan. Yes! Allow yourself 3 months to get to know him and to decide if he is even worthy of your good-good. How many people do you know who can fake it for that long? Believe me, you'll know what he's about after 90 days and if you haven't slept with him it's way easier to walk away with no regrets.

Dating doesn't have to be a natural disaster. It can be a wonderful experience that allows you to enjoy yourself and the world around you with a dynamic guy, but you've got to know yourself, know what you want, have some standards and make yourself visible. Class is dismissed.

Turn My Swag On

If you can't tell by now I'm a big music fan. And this past Friday I treated myself to some live music at the Lyceum Dean here in Baton Rouge. As the band U4ria played Soulja Boys Swag On my girlfriend Germaine laughed because I knew every word to the song. "Girl, whatcha know about that youngster music?" My response was 'Swag On is one of my theme songs.' As I geared up to release my second book, waited by the mailbox for my divorce papers to arrive and kicked one dead head after the next to the curb and dealt with a boss that was over-the-edge, this was the song that got me moving in the mornings when I really wanted to curl back up and wish every problem would just go away instead.

After the performance on Friday I found myself walking around the house this weekend still singing the lyrics and that's when it hit me that before January of this year it had been a long time since I'd looked in the mirror and smiled at myself. If my memory serves me correctly; I would shy away from the image that I saw because it was depressing. I was wearing floppy clothes, my head was a hot mess and my eyes were always sad. I didn't care about my appearance because I had been told that no one would want me; a single, overweight mama with two mouths to feed. So I bought into the foolishness that my ex sold me, until I heard that song. Don't ask me why Soulja Boy was the chosen one to help me lift up my self-esteem, but his song did it.

I began to take an interest in my ever expanding waist line and decided to make good use of the gym that is located inside of my apartment complex. It was amazing to watch as my body molded itself back into a lovely size 8. Out went the granola clothes and in came the grown woman gear. Then I made a trip to Simply Elegant Hair Salon and smiled when Ms. Antoinette asked if I was ready to exhale and laughed as all the patrons gasped as I chopped all of that dead energy off of my head. And when the compliments started flying in from the opposite sex, I allowed myself to let go of my ex and the emotional scars that I'd carried for 10 years and move on with my life. It's amazing how one song can change how you view yourself. These days I'm still hopping up out the bed and turning my swag on, taking a look in the mirror and saying what's up girlfriend!

Friends; How Many of Us Have Them?

Remember that song by Whoodini? Yeah, that was back in the day when the last thing on any of our minds was responsibility, let alone being a parent. But look at us now; all grown up trying to carry the weight of the world on our bare shoulders and for some of us that task is being done all alone. If any of you out there know me then you know that I'm full of pride and will walk a country mile bare foot before I open my mouth to ask for help. During these last few months you guys have followed me as I went through hell and back; from losing my government job, to being on welfare and fighting with unemployment. But fortunately for me, things have begun to turn around in my life. During the course of the last two weeks I've interviewed for several jobs (keep your fingers crossed) and unemployment finally kicked in (yes, I did a happy dance). But it was during these lean months that I came to realize who was really here for me; who my real friends were.

They weren't the people who hung into my every word when I was riding high; those who willingly stood in the spotlight with me when I was on top of the world as a bestselling author. No, it was the people who stepped up when others walked away when my perfect world began to fall apart. It was the individuals who knew the real Carey and not the groupies of CJ. People that I'd helped throughout my career where suddenly no where to be found or too busy to even accept my calls or return an email. They'd moved on to the next 'It Girl'. No, my real friends were and still are the people who noticed that I'd isolated myself from the rest of the world. They were the ones who called or drove in from out of town just to see what in the hell was going on with me. Yes, my ride or die BFF's were the individuals who put out a helping hand and assured me that it was okay to hold on to it while I went through these ruff times. They were my rocks in the storm, my shelter from the rain. They knew what I needed without me ever saying a word.

Sometimes God has to take us through some things before we can see clearly the big picture that is our life and the people who mean us well. He lets us go down into that valley because we need a wake up call; a reality check and He knows this is the only way we are going to 'get it'. And while we're stumbling around in the shadow of darkness we began to realize that certain people aren't who we thought they were. As we reach out into the unknown only to find people who really care about us, we began to see clearly that the only being who never left our side and sent those real friends to our rescue was God. This blog is dedicated to Maya and Michael and my brother Wil...the three people who helped me to keep it together and extended a helping hand as I found my way out of the valley.

Just Do It

As the school year begins to kick into high gear we'll find ourselves running back and forth between PTA meetings, teacher conferences, a ton of kiddie birthday parties, practice for whatever sport our babies have signed up for in addition to all of the other duties that we single mama's are committed to doing for our children. This isn't a star studded job and the perks are sometimes few and far in between. There are no awards or rewards for making it happen. But we just do it. Even if that means running on auto pilot from time to time.

Last week I had the pleasure of attending open house for my youngest son. And honestly, I don't know where I found the energy to even get into the car, let alone climb the stairs with a smile plastered on my face to greet his bubbly new teacher. But you know us super moms.... As I folded myself into his tiny seat, I decided to peak inside of his desk where I discovered his journal. As I flipped through the pages I ran across one entry that made my heart skip a beat and brought tears to my eyes. The topic for that day was to write about 'the most important thing in your life' and in his 3rd grade way he talked about me, his mama. He praised me for the little things that I do like preparing cinnamon rolls for breakfast and having a snack waiting for him when he jumps in the car after school. I wipped the corners of my eyes as I continued to read about the most important thing in the world to him, me. I could see him smiling as he wrote about how I allow him and his brother to crawl into the bed with me in the middle of the night after they've both had a bad dream. He spoke of the many stray pets that I've allowed him to keep over the years and how, after preparing dinner, I will help him with his homework and at the end of his day, I'll kiss him good night. I smiled through the tears that were streaming down my face. My baby could have written about anything...sports, cartoons or his favorite video game. But instead he wrote about me and all of the things that I do for him every day. Things that I thought he and his brother took for granted because I was simply their mama and that was a part of my job description.

As I closed his journal I reflected on how God has worked in my life during the past few years. How bless I am to have such wonderful children who don't ask for much, but get more than enough in return because I care. When I walked into that classroom I was tired and feeling very unappreciated, but the simple words of an innocent eight year old reminded me why I do what I do. It's not for a six-figure salary or a company office with a lake front view. It's not for the diamonds and furs or a mansion on the hill. No, I do it and all mothers do it for LOVE.

Got Faith?

Okay, I don't know about everyone else, but this whole recession thing really sucks. I lost my job back in June (believe me I'm not complaining too much - boss was a work of art if you know what I mean), but finding another job has been like going to the dentist; very slow and painfully. And let's not talk about unemployment. That has turned into a freaking joke. I applied 7 weeks ago and my paperwork is still PENDING. Now I could get discouraged and just give in to this whole 'recession' notion, and believe me, before yesterday I was almost there; on the brink of I don't give a good -you-know-what. But something happened.


Yesterday morning, like most Sunday mornings, I attended church services, but yesterday was different. I was feeling lost, hopeless, and discouraged and ready to go home and just cry my eyes out. But as I sat through mass I began to realize that God had me there for a specific reason. The homily was about faith. Yep...just want I needed. The priest talked about believing in God and yourself; having faith that He can make things happen. But if you don't believe and lack faith, nothing is going to change and you are going to remain in the same spot; stagnant.

Armed with that information I started off my week with a new source of inspiration called Faith. I have faith that I'm going to beat this recession and find a job or that a bunch of people are going to need counseling services within the next month and select me as their therapist :) I have faith that my status at the unemployment office is going to change from PENDING to give that girl her back pay puh-lease, lol. And I have faith and know without a shadow of a doubt, that God will never leave my side and as He closes one door another one is being opened with even better opportunities on the other side.



Faith...it does a body good.

Me, Myself and I

I want to start out by thanking everyone who has taken out the time to read my blog and for the brave soul who has chosen to follow me throughout this blogging journey. But today I am blogging to set the record straight. This is not a hating blog towards men. This is a vehicle/tool that I'm going to use to document my trials, triumphs and tribulations as a single mom. This blog is about Me, Myself and I; the Diary of a Single Mama. The first blog was simply an introduction; a little background about why I'm a single parent (kinda thought that was important guys). Since posting on yesterday I've received a ton of positive feedback from both men and women, but I have to admit that I did ruffle the feathers of a few men who decided to share their thoughts; stating that women need to be honest and have a balanced dialog with men. So here is the discussion that I had the pleasure of engaging in with a few of the fellas. Please take a look and you are more than welcomed to share your thoughts too.

1. You need to post a new picture. The one of you holding a drink looks like you're a party girl instead of a struggling single mother.

My response: Just because I'm struggling doesn't mean that I need to look the part. I am happy and that picture summed me up perfectly. Fierce, Fabulous and doing the damn thing!

2. You are angry.

My response: I use to be angry and I still get upset when someone takes their problems with me out on my kids. But I'm not angry any more, it simply takes up too much of my time and energy; two very important things that my kids need from me. No...I made a decision/choice to be happy.

3. Some baby moms throw up road blocks so dads /can't spend any time with their kids. There comes a time when a kid needs their dad.

My response: I can't speak for all baby mama's, but yes, some of them do have some issues/drama. They haven't let go of the past or resolved all of their issues and they are blaming the dad's for their situations and are using the kids to punish them. Do I want my children to have a healthy relationship with their dad, yes. But what men need to realize is that a woman can't make a grown ass man accept responsibility and be a father to his children. That's something he has to be willing to do on his own. All we can do right now is be the BEST mother's that we can be to our children and to make sure that they are healthy both physically, spiritually and most of all emotionally. Unfortunately all women haven't reached that level of maturity and their mentality is still stuck on stupid and some men are using that B.S. as a reason to run from their responsibilities. Man up and stop blaming us!

4. I bet mothers use child support money to eat out daily instead of brown bagging it, and I'm sure a bunch of hair and nail appointments aren't being cancelled. And I know the purchase of designer handbags hasn't decreased either.

My response: Instead of giving us the money just do what your suppose to do like pay tuition, buy them shoes, clothes, school supplies, pay sport fees, school fees, feed them, get their hair cut/done, take them to the movies, to birthday parties, reward them for doing well in school, feed them (hey, they eat 24/7), get them to practice, buy treats for their class parties, replace PE uniforms, take care of insurance co-pays and purchase medicine when their sick. Wow...if we're spending all of the child support money on these things I don't think we'll have enough to take them to McDonalds let alone treat ourselves to dinner at a fancy place. And get our hair and nails done or purchase that $300 Coach bag, puh-lease! And come to think of it...the courts said that some of us have to come up with 65% of the funds that are necessary for our children to survive because some of us actually make more money than the father so when you think about it...daddy's half ain't even covering everything that they need anyway:)

5. I know guys who have (wrongly) said they are doing the minimum because they are just praying for 18 years to pass by quickly.

My response: Who are they really hurting; their so called annoying baby mama or their precious kids? and BTW...mama's are praying for those 18 years to hurry the hell up too:)

Until tomorrow....

I Can Do Bad All By Myself

One day I woke up and decided that I didn't want to be married any more. The reason; I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of living in poverty when our income declared us as middle class. I was sick of someone telling me that they couldn't spend time with their family or attend the monumental milestones in the lives of their children because they had to work 24/7. I was tired of sleeping alone at night; me in the bed and him on the couch. And I was sick of the manipulation and emotional abuse that I was being subjected too on a consistent bases. So with plastic containers filled with clothes, shoes and toys and a cashier's check from my ex husband for $5,000 that paid my rent for six months, my kids and I moved across town to a modest townhouse and never looked back.

Well, it's been two years since I walked out of that door on Fairchild Street and to be honest with you, I haven't had any second thoughts and not an ounce of regret. Have I struggled financially? Well yeah, that's what happens when your ex refuses to pay child support. When we first moved we slept in sleeping bags and ate out of paper plates for at least a month. But in my eyes that was a small price to pay for a piece of heaven. Have I sought out public assistance; you'd better believe it. Food stamps and Medicaid have kept me and my children afloat during the lean months. At first I was shameful, being that I'm a social worker and I was supposed to be helping others instead of trying to help myself. But in the end I dropped my pride and did what I had to do to survive. Have I dodged a few bill collectors in order to buy my kids the necessary necessities that they needed in order to fuction? I sure have. Especially that one time when the sole to my oldest son's shoe came off and after asking his father to buy him a new pair (his texted response was; what part of no don't you understand? The N or the O) this sista did what she had to do. And would I do it all over again, leave and struggle like I have? Hell yes!

This experience has taught me several things about myself and life in particular. The first one is that happiness is a choice. I decided that I wanted to be happy for the remainder of my life and for me that meant moving on without my husband. Secondly, life deals you a hand of cards, but it's up to you as to how you choose to play that hand. My ex-husband still tries to manipulate me with words, but I decided that it was time for the emotional abuse to stop and for me to regain control of my life. Thirdly, emotional abuse is still abuse. The only difference is that the bruises are on the inside. And finally, you can do bad all by yourself, but never allow someone else to steal your joy or bring you down. When life drop kicks you simple get up, dust yourself off and keep moving!