Who Gonna Check Me Boo

Yesterday I was on Twitter (my daily addiction) and a tweet from a comedian popped up in my time line.  He was commenting on women and relationships, so of course you know I was all ears (or eyes in this case).  But as I continued to follow his tweets I became concerned and then eventually tick-the-hell-off!  This guy (who will remain nameless) spent an entire hour blaming women for dysfunctional relationships and breakups.  Not once did he ever mention that sometimes men have serious issues too, like still in love with their ex or mad beyond belief at their baby mama.  He neglected to talk about the men who bring crap from previous relationships into their new ones and how the current girlfriend doesn't stand a chance in hell from day one.  I was furious and so I responded to one of his little tweets voicing my concern.  Well of course he didn't have anything to say and continued on his rant about disgruntle women and pity parties. 

In my book Who Does She Think She Is? I talk about the effects of interpersonal trauma (such as being dumped by a partner, cheated on in a relationship, abandoned by a parent in childhood, emotional abuse, or the traumatic death of a loved one) and how can the impact can interfere with how people develop and maintain future relationships when left unresolved.  After an hour Mr. Comedian was still on a roll about women and how we need to fix ourselves and stop having such high standards when it comes to dating and finding true love.  At this point I was ready to throw up!  Was he serious?  Unfortunately, yes he was.  Tired of him and the nonsense that he was sending out, it was time to check homeboy.  My last and final tweet before I un-followed him was this; "Before people start point fingers & telling others what's wrong with them, find out what's wrong with you first and fix it!" 

Dating Challenge Update

Lawd....why is this so difficult! All I asked my friends to do was hook me up with an eligible bachelor. You would think I asked them for an invite to the White House. After sending out an email to my closes friends encouraging them to set me up on a blind date with the man of their choice I was met with so many brick walls it was unbelievable. Their excuses ranged from... "You're nuts and I'm not doing that!" to "If I could find a good man I'd keep him for myself" or "If he hurts you I don't want you to be mad at me." But the shocker and most repeated excuse was "CJ, I'm sorry but I just don't know of any good men." I mean is it really that bad? Do we really have a shortage of good men (and notice I didn't say Black men because my white girlfriend got the same email as everyone else). Sadly my faith in finding a good man had fizzled like a soda that's been sitting out all day. The taste in my mouth...frighteningly bitter.

But fortunately for me I did have one girlfriend who stepped up to the challenge and found a guy who met all of my requirements; employed, good dresser, and no drama. So far we've talked on the phone several times and after each occasion I must admit that I'm finding myself more attracted to him. Have we seen each other? No, just photographs, but initially, I didn't even have that, just his number and the chance to meet a really nice guy. He admires what I'm doing and has taken this as a friendly competition, stating that he hopes I've had a chance to go on a blind date with two other guys so by the time he takes me out I'll realize that the 3rd guy is the charm (Awwwww).

Do The Right Thing

This year my oldest son asked if I would take him to the store to purchase his dad a card for Father's Day. I had to stop and take a deep breath before I rolled my eyes and said "Hell No!" You see, when my ex and I were first separated my sons had made this same request of their father for Mother's Day and then again for my birthday. Each time they were greeted with "I'm not taking you to the store to buy that woman anything!" Yes, this was the explanation that my children gave me that first year of why they didn't have a gift for me. In the years to follow my children never asked me to take them shopping for their dad. I guess they thought my response would be the same. Instead, his gifts were either created at school or they didn't even bother. So this year I was especially proud of my son for wanting to purchase something and unlike his father, I decided to take the high road and drive him to the store.

When we entered Walmart, I thought it was best if I gave him his space and allowed him to select a card on his own. But when I returned to check on him, he had the most confused look on his face. Suddenly I was faced with the task of helping him to pick out a card for his dad! Now I know what you're saying, 'sista girlfriend, that's when I draw the line,' and I almost did. But I remembered that my son was only 12 and he was trying to do the right thing. So I shrugged my shoulders and together we picked out a simple Hallmark card that said it all for his dad.

The moral of the story is this...Yes, some of us single mama's do it ALL and we know that some of these dad's don't deserve a hello, let alone a card. But at times like this we have to remember that it isn't about what we think, it's about our kids and setting a good example. Biting that bullet was painless and it only cost me $5.00 (No, he didn't have enough money for the card). My reward is that I set a priceless example for my children.

Hook A Sista Up!

Okay, call me crazy, but I'm trying something new when it comes to this dating stuff. After this last dating fiasco I've decided to be adventurous and give the Essence Magazine Summer Dating Challenge a try. What I've done is enlisted the help of my close friends (I hope we're still close after this is over with.) I sent them an email outlining that I wanted each of them to arrange a blind date for me with an eligible bachelor of their choice (sigh, crazy I know). The only requirements that I gave were as follows; He had to be legally employed (I'm old fashion and he at least needs to be able to pay for the date), a nice dresser (No Coogie or Rocawear please) and no baby mama, ex-girlfriend or ex-wife drama (I don't do drama.)

In a series of blogs this summer I am planning to chronicle my blind date experiences and allow you guys to experience dating from a single mama's point of view. In case you haven't figured it out by now this is a big step for me. For once in my life I've finally found the courage to step outside of my comfort zone and believe me this is waaaaaay out there, lol. I'm letting go of my fears and allowing people that I trust to hook a sista up! I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, but believe me, it can't possible be as bad as what I've been through already.

Un-Thinkable

Last week I turned 41 and I must admit it was a bittersweet birthday for me. Thinking back on how my life has unfolded I realized just how far I've come since being a naive but determined freshman at Southern University 23 years ago. In my wildest dreams I never would have imagined myself as a single parent juggling a successful career and motherhood while searching for true love. Back when life was simple my hopes and dreams consisted of conquering the legal field as an entertainment attorney, marrying my soul-mate and living happily ever after with 2.5 kids and a dog named Max in a house surrounded by a white picket fence.

Well life doesn't always turn out the way we envision it. Today I am a divorced mother of two, the CEO of my own production company, a sought after speaker and bestselling author who is the owner of a dog name Samuel L. Jackson instead of Max. I never made it to law school, instead I took a detour when I enrolled at Tulane University and ended up on the front lawn of the School of Social Work instead. I still had my turn in the entertainment industry, just in a different capacity than I had originally planned.

As for my soul-mate, well I haven't given up on Mr. Right but if he never comes along at least I know that I've got happily ever after. Because despite how the course of my life has changed over the years one thing is certain; it all worked out perfectly in the end. So here's to another 41 years of doing the un-thinkable.

Summer, Summer, Summer Time

Remember when that last bell would ring and we'd run out of the door glad to be free for the next 2 months! Well that was over 20 years ago and my opinion of summer break has changed drastically. This year summer sucker punched me as I scrambled to make plans for my kids. I realized that I hadn't registered them for summer camp, no shorts and t-shirts had been purchased and we didn't have any vacation plans. And then the bell rung!

Suddenly I found myself dreading the next 2 months that I use to love. Now I sit back and wonder why these kids can't attend school year round? I mean come on...If I have to work 12 months out of the year they can take their behinds to school. Sorry teachers, I know my thought process is so unfair right now, but you're the ones screaming about low test scores, well this is the perfect solution for improving them.

And what is up with these camp prices?! $75 a week for one kid? But I have 2! Jeez... With a discount of only 10% I'm still paying close to $500 a month, that's a $1,000 just to guarantee that my kids won't become vegetables over the course of the next 2 months! That sucks! And guess what, summer sucks too! Now I'm longing for August, when my children will go back to school and my life will return to normal. School uniforms, free public education and 9 months of certified adult supervision...ahhhh, I can't wait!

What Are Your Dreams?

Recently I received a large envelope in the mail from an investment company and scrolled across the front in bold lettering was the question "What Are Your Dreams?" WTH, you mean I can actually dream? That it's okay for me to take time out of my busy schedule and float among the clouds imagining the possibilities and what ifs of life? As a single parent, we're often so busy, wrapped up in the lives of our kids and trying to make sure that everything flows smoothly that we rarely stop and think about ourselves, our goals, dreams and ambitions. When I would stop and try to dream I began to feel guilty as if I were indulging in a sinful behavior. But guess what i discovered? There isn't anything wrong with dreaming and longing for a better life.

That one piece of mail managed to capture and then hold my attention. I placed the envelope in a visible spot and for an entire month I allowed those bold words to transform my way of thinking. Yes, I allowed myself to dream. I thought about how wonderful it would be if I could quit my 9 to 5 and work for myself full time without missing a beat financially. I envisioned my dream home, being able to pay for my kids to go to college, helping my daughter out with her first born, and sitting behind the wheel of a brand new Mercedes C300! Yes honey, I let myself dream in high definition! lol. Then I took the dreaming a step further. I drove around in the neighborhood I want to someday live in, telling myself that it was okay to imagine sitting outside on my patio by the lake. On a another day as I was passing the Mercedes dealership I stopped and spoke with a sales person. I asked questions about my dream car, financing, maintenance and things of that nature. Hummm...this dream was actually obtainable.

Then on last week while browsing a sales table at Barnes & Nobles I ran across a book that showed you how to get your finances in order. So many times we never pursue our dreams because we think we lack the financial resources. Our excuses range from "I'm already living from paycheck to paycheck to my credit is a hot mess or simply, I'll never be able to afford that anyway!" Well I found myself picking that book up and heading towards the check out counter. Yes, I had taken dreaming to the next level. Those weren't my only steps towards turning my dreams into a reality. Next, I pulled my credit report to see what debts had to be cleared up. Wow, it wasn't as bad as I thought! Then I stopped by my local bank and with some extra funds that I had obtained from a recent book signing I opened up a savings account. And finally, I looked at my current business and how I could re-structure Shero Productions so it could become profitable in a shorter amount of time, allowing me to fulfill and maintain my dreams.

Sitting back and taking in this past month and all of the steps I've taken just because I allowed myself to dream caused me to smile. Ya know, a girl could get used to this dreaming stuff! In this short amount of time dreaming has allowed me to think outside of the small box that the world has tried to place me in. Dreaming has forced me to get off of my butt and get creative and take some chances! Dreaming has shown me that I've played it safe for a long time and in the end, everyone has ended up happy except me. Dreaming is about the possibilities of what life can offer you if you allow yourself to let go and just embrace the bigger picture. As Ralph Marston said, "Make your dreams a part of your reality and make your reality a part of your dreams."

It Girl

It seems just like yesterday when I was flat broke and loyal family and friends were like diamonds, rare and hard to find. But as my future brighten, and my career as a writer and motivational speaker began to take off, I've noticed that I am suddenly popular with the in crowd. My phone is ringing off of the hook, and text messages and emails are flooding in daily. Now it's "cool" to hang out with CJ because she is the new "it" girl in town.

But when I decline their fabulous party invitations, flirtatious advances and friends forever suggestions I'm suddenly snobbish, stuck up or worst... I don't want to socialize with the "who's, who," because not too long ago they were they same people who wouldn't be caught dead acknowledging me in public because I wasn't rocking Gucci, Prada or Christian Louboutin. I'm sorry that I'm not moved to be a part of the "in" crowd, sitting around and bashing people because they are doing something positive with their lives and talents. I just don't care to socialize with back stabbers, you know, the ones who smile in your face, but all their trying to do is take your place.

It has taken me years to understand, but I am finally beginning to realize why people like Michael Jackson isolated themselves from the rest of the world, living in a bubble, or moved to another country all together. It's easier to run than to stand up and deal with the fake, wanna be's, who at the end of the day are really waiting for you to fall flat on your face so they can have something else to gossip about. Well I ain't moving to Never Land or Paris and I enjoy life too much to live in a damn bubble. But what I can do is follow my heart and stick with the real gems in my life, people who love me regardless to how much money I have, what I'm wearing, or where I live and don't mind hopping on the city bus if my limo breaks down. I apologize in advance, but I'm sharing my red carpet, show stopping moment with the people who really matter in my life... you already know who you are :)

Love Jones

Thirteen years ago marked a milestone in my life, I meet a man who swept me off of my feet and introduced me to the movie that would become my all time favorite, Love Jones. Since that time, I've gotten married, had two wonderful children, blossomed into a successful author, gotten a divorce and returned to the not so wonderful world of dating. Yeah, things have changed since Love Jones came out and redefined what Black Love looks and feels like.

My dating encounters have been interesting to say the least. I've been charmed by the best to find out later in the relationship that they really weren't Prince Charmings, but toads in disguise, lol. I've also discovered that you can't have a meaningful relationship if you aren't 100% ready. Several times I've jumped in with both feet only to ease my feet out one at a time because the water was just too deep. Over the last two years I've longed for that relationship that Nia Long and Lorenze Tate shared on the big screen, but I've discovered that there is a big difference between Hollywood and reality. No one wants to listen to Charlie Parker, or view photographs taken by Gordon Parks (most people don't even know who those two people are). Dating has changed so distract since 1997. People are looking for someone to up their social status, or as one guy informed me "I want to walk into that party with the baddest bitch on my arm." Dating has become a "what can you do for me?" vs "Hey, I'd like to have fun and hang out and see where this may lead." I've learned from interacting on Facebook, that some people will rely on social networking to get to know someone (quickly glancing at their profile to find out their favorite movies, foods and hobbies) and recreate themselves (yes, fudge their profiles) to become the person they think you want in your life. Gone are the days of personal, face to face interaction. And good old fashion courting? Puh-lease!

But despite how the Internet has transformed dating, I've decided that I'll take my chances and hold out for that Love Jones connection. Maybe I'll get lucky and bump into a guy in a record store who knows the difference between Miles Davis and 50 cent.