Summer, Summer, Summer Time

Remember when that last bell would ring and we'd run out of the door glad to be free for the next 2 months! Well that was over 20 years ago and my opinion of summer break has changed drastically. This year summer sucker punched me as I scrambled to make plans for my kids. I realized that I hadn't registered them for summer camp, no shorts and t-shirts had been purchased and we didn't have any vacation plans. And then the bell rung!

Suddenly I found myself dreading the next 2 months that I use to love. Now I sit back and wonder why these kids can't attend school year round? I mean come on...If I have to work 12 months out of the year they can take their behinds to school. Sorry teachers, I know my thought process is so unfair right now, but you're the ones screaming about low test scores, well this is the perfect solution for improving them.

And what is up with these camp prices?! $75 a week for one kid? But I have 2! Jeez... With a discount of only 10% I'm still paying close to $500 a month, that's a $1,000 just to guarantee that my kids won't become vegetables over the course of the next 2 months! That sucks! And guess what, summer sucks too! Now I'm longing for August, when my children will go back to school and my life will return to normal. School uniforms, free public education and 9 months of certified adult supervision...ahhhh, I can't wait!

What Are Your Dreams?

Recently I received a large envelope in the mail from an investment company and scrolled across the front in bold lettering was the question "What Are Your Dreams?" WTH, you mean I can actually dream? That it's okay for me to take time out of my busy schedule and float among the clouds imagining the possibilities and what ifs of life? As a single parent, we're often so busy, wrapped up in the lives of our kids and trying to make sure that everything flows smoothly that we rarely stop and think about ourselves, our goals, dreams and ambitions. When I would stop and try to dream I began to feel guilty as if I were indulging in a sinful behavior. But guess what i discovered? There isn't anything wrong with dreaming and longing for a better life.

That one piece of mail managed to capture and then hold my attention. I placed the envelope in a visible spot and for an entire month I allowed those bold words to transform my way of thinking. Yes, I allowed myself to dream. I thought about how wonderful it would be if I could quit my 9 to 5 and work for myself full time without missing a beat financially. I envisioned my dream home, being able to pay for my kids to go to college, helping my daughter out with her first born, and sitting behind the wheel of a brand new Mercedes C300! Yes honey, I let myself dream in high definition! lol. Then I took the dreaming a step further. I drove around in the neighborhood I want to someday live in, telling myself that it was okay to imagine sitting outside on my patio by the lake. On a another day as I was passing the Mercedes dealership I stopped and spoke with a sales person. I asked questions about my dream car, financing, maintenance and things of that nature. Hummm...this dream was actually obtainable.

Then on last week while browsing a sales table at Barnes & Nobles I ran across a book that showed you how to get your finances in order. So many times we never pursue our dreams because we think we lack the financial resources. Our excuses range from "I'm already living from paycheck to paycheck to my credit is a hot mess or simply, I'll never be able to afford that anyway!" Well I found myself picking that book up and heading towards the check out counter. Yes, I had taken dreaming to the next level. Those weren't my only steps towards turning my dreams into a reality. Next, I pulled my credit report to see what debts had to be cleared up. Wow, it wasn't as bad as I thought! Then I stopped by my local bank and with some extra funds that I had obtained from a recent book signing I opened up a savings account. And finally, I looked at my current business and how I could re-structure Shero Productions so it could become profitable in a shorter amount of time, allowing me to fulfill and maintain my dreams.

Sitting back and taking in this past month and all of the steps I've taken just because I allowed myself to dream caused me to smile. Ya know, a girl could get used to this dreaming stuff! In this short amount of time dreaming has allowed me to think outside of the small box that the world has tried to place me in. Dreaming has forced me to get off of my butt and get creative and take some chances! Dreaming has shown me that I've played it safe for a long time and in the end, everyone has ended up happy except me. Dreaming is about the possibilities of what life can offer you if you allow yourself to let go and just embrace the bigger picture. As Ralph Marston said, "Make your dreams a part of your reality and make your reality a part of your dreams."

It Girl

It seems just like yesterday when I was flat broke and loyal family and friends were like diamonds, rare and hard to find. But as my future brighten, and my career as a writer and motivational speaker began to take off, I've noticed that I am suddenly popular with the in crowd. My phone is ringing off of the hook, and text messages and emails are flooding in daily. Now it's "cool" to hang out with CJ because she is the new "it" girl in town.

But when I decline their fabulous party invitations, flirtatious advances and friends forever suggestions I'm suddenly snobbish, stuck up or worst... I don't want to socialize with the "who's, who," because not too long ago they were they same people who wouldn't be caught dead acknowledging me in public because I wasn't rocking Gucci, Prada or Christian Louboutin. I'm sorry that I'm not moved to be a part of the "in" crowd, sitting around and bashing people because they are doing something positive with their lives and talents. I just don't care to socialize with back stabbers, you know, the ones who smile in your face, but all their trying to do is take your place.

It has taken me years to understand, but I am finally beginning to realize why people like Michael Jackson isolated themselves from the rest of the world, living in a bubble, or moved to another country all together. It's easier to run than to stand up and deal with the fake, wanna be's, who at the end of the day are really waiting for you to fall flat on your face so they can have something else to gossip about. Well I ain't moving to Never Land or Paris and I enjoy life too much to live in a damn bubble. But what I can do is follow my heart and stick with the real gems in my life, people who love me regardless to how much money I have, what I'm wearing, or where I live and don't mind hopping on the city bus if my limo breaks down. I apologize in advance, but I'm sharing my red carpet, show stopping moment with the people who really matter in my life... you already know who you are :)

Love Jones

Thirteen years ago marked a milestone in my life, I meet a man who swept me off of my feet and introduced me to the movie that would become my all time favorite, Love Jones. Since that time, I've gotten married, had two wonderful children, blossomed into a successful author, gotten a divorce and returned to the not so wonderful world of dating. Yeah, things have changed since Love Jones came out and redefined what Black Love looks and feels like.

My dating encounters have been interesting to say the least. I've been charmed by the best to find out later in the relationship that they really weren't Prince Charmings, but toads in disguise, lol. I've also discovered that you can't have a meaningful relationship if you aren't 100% ready. Several times I've jumped in with both feet only to ease my feet out one at a time because the water was just too deep. Over the last two years I've longed for that relationship that Nia Long and Lorenze Tate shared on the big screen, but I've discovered that there is a big difference between Hollywood and reality. No one wants to listen to Charlie Parker, or view photographs taken by Gordon Parks (most people don't even know who those two people are). Dating has changed so distract since 1997. People are looking for someone to up their social status, or as one guy informed me "I want to walk into that party with the baddest bitch on my arm." Dating has become a "what can you do for me?" vs "Hey, I'd like to have fun and hang out and see where this may lead." I've learned from interacting on Facebook, that some people will rely on social networking to get to know someone (quickly glancing at their profile to find out their favorite movies, foods and hobbies) and recreate themselves (yes, fudge their profiles) to become the person they think you want in your life. Gone are the days of personal, face to face interaction. And good old fashion courting? Puh-lease!

But despite how the Internet has transformed dating, I've decided that I'll take my chances and hold out for that Love Jones connection. Maybe I'll get lucky and bump into a guy in a record store who knows the difference between Miles Davis and 50 cent.

The X Factor

Okay, being an ex is never easy, especially when children are involved. As you go your separate ways you will both become involved in new relationships and your lives will only be connected through your children. We all hope to have a cordial relationship, but many of us are faced with bitter exes who are out to destroy us emotionally. I recently found myself in a very uncomfortable situation were my ex had moved in with his girlfriend and decided not to tell me about this new transition. Yes, the kids and everyone involved lied to me about the entire situation for at least a month. As a mother I was devastated. I am not a Jazmine Sullivan or Carrie Underwoood, bust your windows out your car, kind of girl. I just don't have it in me to waste my time destroying peoples property. So when I asked my ex if the move was true and he lied, then told me he didn't think it was important that I knew where our kids stayed while they were with him or whom he had them around, I had to pause. So I went a step further and asked if I could meet his girlfriend because according to the kids they were spending time with her on the weekends, again his reply was no.

Now understand something, I don't care about his new relationship, in fact I'm very happy that he has finally found 'true love' as he likes to remind me. My problem is with the dishonesty and secrecy. Why would you tell me that my kids are staying the weekend at one location when in fact they are across town somewhere else at an undisclosed location. My next problem is with the girlfriend coming to my house with 'it' on her mind, getting out of the car and trying to 'start something' about a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with her. That made me wonder, 'What kind of woman are you? And do I even want my kids around someone who is willing to jump their mother while they are sitting innocently in the car you just hopped out of?" Ladies, if you are dating a guy who has kids please stay out of whatever is going on with him and his ex and believe only half of what he tells you about her. Some guys will use you to do their dirty work; get you all rilled up and ready to beat his baby mama down and you don't even know HER side of the story. Maybe he really doesn't pay his child support? Maybe she moved into a gated community because he was stalking her and she felt threaten. Maybe he comes up with excuses not to keep the kids when it's his weekend vs. she is refusing to allow him to see his children. And if he constantly refers to her as a bitch or a ho maybe you need to take a long hard look at him. Is this really about her or the well being of their children or is this about him and his big ego? Is he really over her? And why did she REALLY walk out of the relationship? When a man can't be respectful to the mother of his children; and what I mean by this is, he calls her by her name and treats her cordially (I understand that someone women can be difficult, let's keep it real), then you need to proceed with caution. Because if he doesn't respect the mother of his children what in the world does he really think of you?

When my ex whisked our kids off for the weekend, still refusing to tell me their whereabouts, I was a hot mess. Not only had he allowed his girlfriend to disrespect me in front of my home, but they drove off into the sunset without giving me any information about my children; babies I had carried for nine months. No one can describe the pain that I felt that day. I cried, snotted, and couldn't understand why someone would be this deceitful. Then it hit me. This was a form of emotional abuse! Bring the girlfriend and allowing her to get out of the car with a major attitude, not telling me where he was taking the kids to spend the weekend, all mental punches because they damage you on the inside. No one knows the damage except you.

So how did I survive? I prayed that God would watch over my children and help their dad to get some understanding that I wasn't going any where. We have ten long years to continue to be connected through our children. I can be all kinds of bitches and ho's in his mind, but at the end of the day I am still their mother; one who loves her children dearly. As for his girlfriend, well, I pity her. She is a single mother too, having raised two children alone, before my ex entered into her life. I pity her because of all people she should know better and because she is a mother she should want to meet me and assure me in a positive way that my kids will be okay when they are in her care. Acting ghetto fabulous on our first unofficial meeting was a major turn off. Him allowing her to act ghetto fabulous only confirmed what I was already thinking "that he's gotten inside of your head too."

Don't be a fool over a man. Never come between him and his ex. Always know your position in a relationship and play it well. You are not there to fight his battles and if the battles are increasing maybe it's time for you to throw up a white flag and bail out too!

Dating 101

As a single mama, I have to admit that dating ain't what it used to be. Since separating from my ex in 2007, I've found myself fumbling in the dating department; running across everything from the gay guy who needed a piece of eye candy to throw off his family and friends, to the jobless leech who needed a place to lay up. Now you know I was like "hell-to-the-no!" But in the back of my mind I kept asking myself "what in the world is going on, where are all of the good men and why am I a magnet for losers?" Ten years is a long time to be in a marriage that isn't working, only to enter the dating scene to figure out that the pickings are slim to none when it comes to a decent man. I was tired of getting it wrong; this time I was going to get it right! I'd found out the hard way that it's a concrete jungle out there and if you're not careful, you'll be eaten alive. But I have hope, that one day I'll be like Michelle and God will send me my Barack. But I also know that faith without works is dead so I needed to figure out how I was going to receive this man when he did come into my life. So I enrolled in Dating 101. Armed with a ton of relationship books including the new ones by Comedian, Steve Harvey and Patti Stanger from BRAVO's Millionaire Matchmaker, I was determined to pass this class with an A+.

One thing I've learned since enrolling in my self imposed correspondence class, is that there are a lot of hurt people in the world; people who have been abused, burned, tormented and scorned in past relationships. And even though they believe that they are ready to move on, that excess luggage is holding them back emotionally. Stop for a moment and take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me right now?" Come on, would you want to date someone who is emotionally damaged? Take out a few weeks and invest in a damn good therapist. Believe me, it'll be worth it.

Secondly, men are visual creatures. If they like what they see then they'll break their necks to get with you. So what does that mean for you? Join a gym, spruce up your wardrobe, including investing in some sexy heels (men love the way our legs look while wearing them) and add some pizazz to that boring hair do. Next, get some standards. So many women have allowed men to disrespect them and that is so not cool. You are not a doormat so stop acting like one. And guess what, men want women to have standards; to hold them accountable. These days, it will set you apart from the pact of 'drop if like it's hot girls' and solidify your standings as a true woman.

Now you need to figure out what you want in a man. Take 30 minutes out of your busy schedule and make a list of the qualities that you want your perfect man to have. Trust me, this will save you a lot of heartache and time when it comes to dating. And wouldn't you prefer to have a black and white sketch of what the right guy for you will look like, how he will act and his financial status? Yes, it's okay if you want a man who makes a certain amount of money and is financially secure. Me, personally, a broke man who is still trying to find his way in the world and living with his mama can keep it moving. I'm 40...you've got to bring something to the table besides some good conversation and great sex.

Now you're ready to meet your Mr. Right. A lot of people are advocating the Internet as a great networking tool that allows you to meet new and exciting people. Some have went so far and said that you're not serious about dating if you don't include online dating sites as a resource. Remember the gay guy I mentioned earlier? Okay...that was my experience with online dating! The Internet allows people to be deceitful, dishonest and manipulative. After that experience, I must admit that I've tried several other sites, but we never gotten past e-mails or the first phone conversation. I've discovered that in addition to being a total mystery, most of these men lack social skills too. Now I solicit the help of my family members and friends to play matchmaker. At least I can pick their brain about the guy and I know everything is on the up and up because he was 'referred to me' - lol.

And seriously, you really need to get out of the house girlfriend. You are not going to meet your perfect man by sitting on your couch and watching television. Become a patron of establishments that your perfect man would frequent. Join a health club, take up golf, cheer on your favorite team at a sporting event, browse the local book store, grab a latte from your local coffee shop. Take a class at your local college or attend a networking event or a conference. Do happy hour at an upscale restaurant or bar. My point is, you've got to make yourself visible.

So you've met the man of your dreams, now let him hunt you, yes as in jungle, safari. It's a part of their DNA. I know about all of that independent woman stuff...and where has it gotten us? No damn where! So stop running behind men. If the man you're interested in doesn't pursue you, then he's not into you - period, the end! And no matter what you claim you can do, believe me, you will not change his mind. I don't care what you're skills are in the bedroom. And while were talking about giving up the cookies; if you guys do become an item and began to date, put him on a 3 month plan. Yes! Allow yourself 3 months to get to know him and to decide if he is even worthy of your good-good. How many people do you know who can fake it for that long? Believe me, you'll know what he's about after 90 days and if you haven't slept with him it's way easier to walk away with no regrets.

Dating doesn't have to be a natural disaster. It can be a wonderful experience that allows you to enjoy yourself and the world around you with a dynamic guy, but you've got to know yourself, know what you want, have some standards and make yourself visible. Class is dismissed.

Turn My Swag On

If you can't tell by now I'm a big music fan. And this past Friday I treated myself to some live music at the Lyceum Dean here in Baton Rouge. As the band U4ria played Soulja Boys Swag On my girlfriend Germaine laughed because I knew every word to the song. "Girl, whatcha know about that youngster music?" My response was 'Swag On is one of my theme songs.' As I geared up to release my second book, waited by the mailbox for my divorce papers to arrive and kicked one dead head after the next to the curb and dealt with a boss that was over-the-edge, this was the song that got me moving in the mornings when I really wanted to curl back up and wish every problem would just go away instead.

After the performance on Friday I found myself walking around the house this weekend still singing the lyrics and that's when it hit me that before January of this year it had been a long time since I'd looked in the mirror and smiled at myself. If my memory serves me correctly; I would shy away from the image that I saw because it was depressing. I was wearing floppy clothes, my head was a hot mess and my eyes were always sad. I didn't care about my appearance because I had been told that no one would want me; a single, overweight mama with two mouths to feed. So I bought into the foolishness that my ex sold me, until I heard that song. Don't ask me why Soulja Boy was the chosen one to help me lift up my self-esteem, but his song did it.

I began to take an interest in my ever expanding waist line and decided to make good use of the gym that is located inside of my apartment complex. It was amazing to watch as my body molded itself back into a lovely size 8. Out went the granola clothes and in came the grown woman gear. Then I made a trip to Simply Elegant Hair Salon and smiled when Ms. Antoinette asked if I was ready to exhale and laughed as all the patrons gasped as I chopped all of that dead energy off of my head. And when the compliments started flying in from the opposite sex, I allowed myself to let go of my ex and the emotional scars that I'd carried for 10 years and move on with my life. It's amazing how one song can change how you view yourself. These days I'm still hopping up out the bed and turning my swag on, taking a look in the mirror and saying what's up girlfriend!