Love Jones

Thirteen years ago marked a milestone in my life, I meet a man who swept me off of my feet and introduced me to the movie that would become my all time favorite, Love Jones. Since that time, I've gotten married, had two wonderful children, blossomed into a successful author, gotten a divorce and returned to the not so wonderful world of dating. Yeah, things have changed since Love Jones came out and redefined what Black Love looks and feels like.

My dating encounters have been interesting to say the least. I've been charmed by the best to find out later in the relationship that they really weren't Prince Charmings, but toads in disguise, lol. I've also discovered that you can't have a meaningful relationship if you aren't 100% ready. Several times I've jumped in with both feet only to ease my feet out one at a time because the water was just too deep. Over the last two years I've longed for that relationship that Nia Long and Lorenze Tate shared on the big screen, but I've discovered that there is a big difference between Hollywood and reality. No one wants to listen to Charlie Parker, or view photographs taken by Gordon Parks (most people don't even know who those two people are). Dating has changed so distract since 1997. People are looking for someone to up their social status, or as one guy informed me "I want to walk into that party with the baddest bitch on my arm." Dating has become a "what can you do for me?" vs "Hey, I'd like to have fun and hang out and see where this may lead." I've learned from interacting on Facebook, that some people will rely on social networking to get to know someone (quickly glancing at their profile to find out their favorite movies, foods and hobbies) and recreate themselves (yes, fudge their profiles) to become the person they think you want in your life. Gone are the days of personal, face to face interaction. And good old fashion courting? Puh-lease!

But despite how the Internet has transformed dating, I've decided that I'll take my chances and hold out for that Love Jones connection. Maybe I'll get lucky and bump into a guy in a record store who knows the difference between Miles Davis and 50 cent.

The X Factor

Okay, being an ex is never easy, especially when children are involved. As you go your separate ways you will both become involved in new relationships and your lives will only be connected through your children. We all hope to have a cordial relationship, but many of us are faced with bitter exes who are out to destroy us emotionally. I recently found myself in a very uncomfortable situation were my ex had moved in with his girlfriend and decided not to tell me about this new transition. Yes, the kids and everyone involved lied to me about the entire situation for at least a month. As a mother I was devastated. I am not a Jazmine Sullivan or Carrie Underwoood, bust your windows out your car, kind of girl. I just don't have it in me to waste my time destroying peoples property. So when I asked my ex if the move was true and he lied, then told me he didn't think it was important that I knew where our kids stayed while they were with him or whom he had them around, I had to pause. So I went a step further and asked if I could meet his girlfriend because according to the kids they were spending time with her on the weekends, again his reply was no.

Now understand something, I don't care about his new relationship, in fact I'm very happy that he has finally found 'true love' as he likes to remind me. My problem is with the dishonesty and secrecy. Why would you tell me that my kids are staying the weekend at one location when in fact they are across town somewhere else at an undisclosed location. My next problem is with the girlfriend coming to my house with 'it' on her mind, getting out of the car and trying to 'start something' about a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with her. That made me wonder, 'What kind of woman are you? And do I even want my kids around someone who is willing to jump their mother while they are sitting innocently in the car you just hopped out of?" Ladies, if you are dating a guy who has kids please stay out of whatever is going on with him and his ex and believe only half of what he tells you about her. Some guys will use you to do their dirty work; get you all rilled up and ready to beat his baby mama down and you don't even know HER side of the story. Maybe he really doesn't pay his child support? Maybe she moved into a gated community because he was stalking her and she felt threaten. Maybe he comes up with excuses not to keep the kids when it's his weekend vs. she is refusing to allow him to see his children. And if he constantly refers to her as a bitch or a ho maybe you need to take a long hard look at him. Is this really about her or the well being of their children or is this about him and his big ego? Is he really over her? And why did she REALLY walk out of the relationship? When a man can't be respectful to the mother of his children; and what I mean by this is, he calls her by her name and treats her cordially (I understand that someone women can be difficult, let's keep it real), then you need to proceed with caution. Because if he doesn't respect the mother of his children what in the world does he really think of you?

When my ex whisked our kids off for the weekend, still refusing to tell me their whereabouts, I was a hot mess. Not only had he allowed his girlfriend to disrespect me in front of my home, but they drove off into the sunset without giving me any information about my children; babies I had carried for nine months. No one can describe the pain that I felt that day. I cried, snotted, and couldn't understand why someone would be this deceitful. Then it hit me. This was a form of emotional abuse! Bring the girlfriend and allowing her to get out of the car with a major attitude, not telling me where he was taking the kids to spend the weekend, all mental punches because they damage you on the inside. No one knows the damage except you.

So how did I survive? I prayed that God would watch over my children and help their dad to get some understanding that I wasn't going any where. We have ten long years to continue to be connected through our children. I can be all kinds of bitches and ho's in his mind, but at the end of the day I am still their mother; one who loves her children dearly. As for his girlfriend, well, I pity her. She is a single mother too, having raised two children alone, before my ex entered into her life. I pity her because of all people she should know better and because she is a mother she should want to meet me and assure me in a positive way that my kids will be okay when they are in her care. Acting ghetto fabulous on our first unofficial meeting was a major turn off. Him allowing her to act ghetto fabulous only confirmed what I was already thinking "that he's gotten inside of your head too."

Don't be a fool over a man. Never come between him and his ex. Always know your position in a relationship and play it well. You are not there to fight his battles and if the battles are increasing maybe it's time for you to throw up a white flag and bail out too!

Dating 101

As a single mama, I have to admit that dating ain't what it used to be. Since separating from my ex in 2007, I've found myself fumbling in the dating department; running across everything from the gay guy who needed a piece of eye candy to throw off his family and friends, to the jobless leech who needed a place to lay up. Now you know I was like "hell-to-the-no!" But in the back of my mind I kept asking myself "what in the world is going on, where are all of the good men and why am I a magnet for losers?" Ten years is a long time to be in a marriage that isn't working, only to enter the dating scene to figure out that the pickings are slim to none when it comes to a decent man. I was tired of getting it wrong; this time I was going to get it right! I'd found out the hard way that it's a concrete jungle out there and if you're not careful, you'll be eaten alive. But I have hope, that one day I'll be like Michelle and God will send me my Barack. But I also know that faith without works is dead so I needed to figure out how I was going to receive this man when he did come into my life. So I enrolled in Dating 101. Armed with a ton of relationship books including the new ones by Comedian, Steve Harvey and Patti Stanger from BRAVO's Millionaire Matchmaker, I was determined to pass this class with an A+.

One thing I've learned since enrolling in my self imposed correspondence class, is that there are a lot of hurt people in the world; people who have been abused, burned, tormented and scorned in past relationships. And even though they believe that they are ready to move on, that excess luggage is holding them back emotionally. Stop for a moment and take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me right now?" Come on, would you want to date someone who is emotionally damaged? Take out a few weeks and invest in a damn good therapist. Believe me, it'll be worth it.

Secondly, men are visual creatures. If they like what they see then they'll break their necks to get with you. So what does that mean for you? Join a gym, spruce up your wardrobe, including investing in some sexy heels (men love the way our legs look while wearing them) and add some pizazz to that boring hair do. Next, get some standards. So many women have allowed men to disrespect them and that is so not cool. You are not a doormat so stop acting like one. And guess what, men want women to have standards; to hold them accountable. These days, it will set you apart from the pact of 'drop if like it's hot girls' and solidify your standings as a true woman.

Now you need to figure out what you want in a man. Take 30 minutes out of your busy schedule and make a list of the qualities that you want your perfect man to have. Trust me, this will save you a lot of heartache and time when it comes to dating. And wouldn't you prefer to have a black and white sketch of what the right guy for you will look like, how he will act and his financial status? Yes, it's okay if you want a man who makes a certain amount of money and is financially secure. Me, personally, a broke man who is still trying to find his way in the world and living with his mama can keep it moving. I'm 40...you've got to bring something to the table besides some good conversation and great sex.

Now you're ready to meet your Mr. Right. A lot of people are advocating the Internet as a great networking tool that allows you to meet new and exciting people. Some have went so far and said that you're not serious about dating if you don't include online dating sites as a resource. Remember the gay guy I mentioned earlier? Okay...that was my experience with online dating! The Internet allows people to be deceitful, dishonest and manipulative. After that experience, I must admit that I've tried several other sites, but we never gotten past e-mails or the first phone conversation. I've discovered that in addition to being a total mystery, most of these men lack social skills too. Now I solicit the help of my family members and friends to play matchmaker. At least I can pick their brain about the guy and I know everything is on the up and up because he was 'referred to me' - lol.

And seriously, you really need to get out of the house girlfriend. You are not going to meet your perfect man by sitting on your couch and watching television. Become a patron of establishments that your perfect man would frequent. Join a health club, take up golf, cheer on your favorite team at a sporting event, browse the local book store, grab a latte from your local coffee shop. Take a class at your local college or attend a networking event or a conference. Do happy hour at an upscale restaurant or bar. My point is, you've got to make yourself visible.

So you've met the man of your dreams, now let him hunt you, yes as in jungle, safari. It's a part of their DNA. I know about all of that independent woman stuff...and where has it gotten us? No damn where! So stop running behind men. If the man you're interested in doesn't pursue you, then he's not into you - period, the end! And no matter what you claim you can do, believe me, you will not change his mind. I don't care what you're skills are in the bedroom. And while were talking about giving up the cookies; if you guys do become an item and began to date, put him on a 3 month plan. Yes! Allow yourself 3 months to get to know him and to decide if he is even worthy of your good-good. How many people do you know who can fake it for that long? Believe me, you'll know what he's about after 90 days and if you haven't slept with him it's way easier to walk away with no regrets.

Dating doesn't have to be a natural disaster. It can be a wonderful experience that allows you to enjoy yourself and the world around you with a dynamic guy, but you've got to know yourself, know what you want, have some standards and make yourself visible. Class is dismissed.

Turn My Swag On

If you can't tell by now I'm a big music fan. And this past Friday I treated myself to some live music at the Lyceum Dean here in Baton Rouge. As the band U4ria played Soulja Boys Swag On my girlfriend Germaine laughed because I knew every word to the song. "Girl, whatcha know about that youngster music?" My response was 'Swag On is one of my theme songs.' As I geared up to release my second book, waited by the mailbox for my divorce papers to arrive and kicked one dead head after the next to the curb and dealt with a boss that was over-the-edge, this was the song that got me moving in the mornings when I really wanted to curl back up and wish every problem would just go away instead.

After the performance on Friday I found myself walking around the house this weekend still singing the lyrics and that's when it hit me that before January of this year it had been a long time since I'd looked in the mirror and smiled at myself. If my memory serves me correctly; I would shy away from the image that I saw because it was depressing. I was wearing floppy clothes, my head was a hot mess and my eyes were always sad. I didn't care about my appearance because I had been told that no one would want me; a single, overweight mama with two mouths to feed. So I bought into the foolishness that my ex sold me, until I heard that song. Don't ask me why Soulja Boy was the chosen one to help me lift up my self-esteem, but his song did it.

I began to take an interest in my ever expanding waist line and decided to make good use of the gym that is located inside of my apartment complex. It was amazing to watch as my body molded itself back into a lovely size 8. Out went the granola clothes and in came the grown woman gear. Then I made a trip to Simply Elegant Hair Salon and smiled when Ms. Antoinette asked if I was ready to exhale and laughed as all the patrons gasped as I chopped all of that dead energy off of my head. And when the compliments started flying in from the opposite sex, I allowed myself to let go of my ex and the emotional scars that I'd carried for 10 years and move on with my life. It's amazing how one song can change how you view yourself. These days I'm still hopping up out the bed and turning my swag on, taking a look in the mirror and saying what's up girlfriend!

Friends; How Many of Us Have Them?

Remember that song by Whoodini? Yeah, that was back in the day when the last thing on any of our minds was responsibility, let alone being a parent. But look at us now; all grown up trying to carry the weight of the world on our bare shoulders and for some of us that task is being done all alone. If any of you out there know me then you know that I'm full of pride and will walk a country mile bare foot before I open my mouth to ask for help. During these last few months you guys have followed me as I went through hell and back; from losing my government job, to being on welfare and fighting with unemployment. But fortunately for me, things have begun to turn around in my life. During the course of the last two weeks I've interviewed for several jobs (keep your fingers crossed) and unemployment finally kicked in (yes, I did a happy dance). But it was during these lean months that I came to realize who was really here for me; who my real friends were.

They weren't the people who hung into my every word when I was riding high; those who willingly stood in the spotlight with me when I was on top of the world as a bestselling author. No, it was the people who stepped up when others walked away when my perfect world began to fall apart. It was the individuals who knew the real Carey and not the groupies of CJ. People that I'd helped throughout my career where suddenly no where to be found or too busy to even accept my calls or return an email. They'd moved on to the next 'It Girl'. No, my real friends were and still are the people who noticed that I'd isolated myself from the rest of the world. They were the ones who called or drove in from out of town just to see what in the hell was going on with me. Yes, my ride or die BFF's were the individuals who put out a helping hand and assured me that it was okay to hold on to it while I went through these ruff times. They were my rocks in the storm, my shelter from the rain. They knew what I needed without me ever saying a word.

Sometimes God has to take us through some things before we can see clearly the big picture that is our life and the people who mean us well. He lets us go down into that valley because we need a wake up call; a reality check and He knows this is the only way we are going to 'get it'. And while we're stumbling around in the shadow of darkness we began to realize that certain people aren't who we thought they were. As we reach out into the unknown only to find people who really care about us, we began to see clearly that the only being who never left our side and sent those real friends to our rescue was God. This blog is dedicated to Maya and Michael and my brother Wil...the three people who helped me to keep it together and extended a helping hand as I found my way out of the valley.

Just Do It

As the school year begins to kick into high gear we'll find ourselves running back and forth between PTA meetings, teacher conferences, a ton of kiddie birthday parties, practice for whatever sport our babies have signed up for in addition to all of the other duties that we single mama's are committed to doing for our children. This isn't a star studded job and the perks are sometimes few and far in between. There are no awards or rewards for making it happen. But we just do it. Even if that means running on auto pilot from time to time.

Last week I had the pleasure of attending open house for my youngest son. And honestly, I don't know where I found the energy to even get into the car, let alone climb the stairs with a smile plastered on my face to greet his bubbly new teacher. But you know us super moms.... As I folded myself into his tiny seat, I decided to peak inside of his desk where I discovered his journal. As I flipped through the pages I ran across one entry that made my heart skip a beat and brought tears to my eyes. The topic for that day was to write about 'the most important thing in your life' and in his 3rd grade way he talked about me, his mama. He praised me for the little things that I do like preparing cinnamon rolls for breakfast and having a snack waiting for him when he jumps in the car after school. I wipped the corners of my eyes as I continued to read about the most important thing in the world to him, me. I could see him smiling as he wrote about how I allow him and his brother to crawl into the bed with me in the middle of the night after they've both had a bad dream. He spoke of the many stray pets that I've allowed him to keep over the years and how, after preparing dinner, I will help him with his homework and at the end of his day, I'll kiss him good night. I smiled through the tears that were streaming down my face. My baby could have written about anything...sports, cartoons or his favorite video game. But instead he wrote about me and all of the things that I do for him every day. Things that I thought he and his brother took for granted because I was simply their mama and that was a part of my job description.

As I closed his journal I reflected on how God has worked in my life during the past few years. How bless I am to have such wonderful children who don't ask for much, but get more than enough in return because I care. When I walked into that classroom I was tired and feeling very unappreciated, but the simple words of an innocent eight year old reminded me why I do what I do. It's not for a six-figure salary or a company office with a lake front view. It's not for the diamonds and furs or a mansion on the hill. No, I do it and all mothers do it for LOVE.

Got Faith?

Okay, I don't know about everyone else, but this whole recession thing really sucks. I lost my job back in June (believe me I'm not complaining too much - boss was a work of art if you know what I mean), but finding another job has been like going to the dentist; very slow and painfully. And let's not talk about unemployment. That has turned into a freaking joke. I applied 7 weeks ago and my paperwork is still PENDING. Now I could get discouraged and just give in to this whole 'recession' notion, and believe me, before yesterday I was almost there; on the brink of I don't give a good -you-know-what. But something happened.


Yesterday morning, like most Sunday mornings, I attended church services, but yesterday was different. I was feeling lost, hopeless, and discouraged and ready to go home and just cry my eyes out. But as I sat through mass I began to realize that God had me there for a specific reason. The homily was about faith. Yep...just want I needed. The priest talked about believing in God and yourself; having faith that He can make things happen. But if you don't believe and lack faith, nothing is going to change and you are going to remain in the same spot; stagnant.

Armed with that information I started off my week with a new source of inspiration called Faith. I have faith that I'm going to beat this recession and find a job or that a bunch of people are going to need counseling services within the next month and select me as their therapist :) I have faith that my status at the unemployment office is going to change from PENDING to give that girl her back pay puh-lease, lol. And I have faith and know without a shadow of a doubt, that God will never leave my side and as He closes one door another one is being opened with even better opportunities on the other side.



Faith...it does a body good.