Hook A Sista Up!

Okay, call me crazy, but I'm trying something new when it comes to this dating stuff. After this last dating fiasco I've decided to be adventurous and give the Essence Magazine Summer Dating Challenge a try. What I've done is enlisted the help of my close friends (I hope we're still close after this is over with.) I sent them an email outlining that I wanted each of them to arrange a blind date for me with an eligible bachelor of their choice (sigh, crazy I know). The only requirements that I gave were as follows; He had to be legally employed (I'm old fashion and he at least needs to be able to pay for the date), a nice dresser (No Coogie or Rocawear please) and no baby mama, ex-girlfriend or ex-wife drama (I don't do drama.)

In a series of blogs this summer I am planning to chronicle my blind date experiences and allow you guys to experience dating from a single mama's point of view. In case you haven't figured it out by now this is a big step for me. For once in my life I've finally found the courage to step outside of my comfort zone and believe me this is waaaaaay out there, lol. I'm letting go of my fears and allowing people that I trust to hook a sista up! I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, but believe me, it can't possible be as bad as what I've been through already.

Un-Thinkable

Last week I turned 41 and I must admit it was a bittersweet birthday for me. Thinking back on how my life has unfolded I realized just how far I've come since being a naive but determined freshman at Southern University 23 years ago. In my wildest dreams I never would have imagined myself as a single parent juggling a successful career and motherhood while searching for true love. Back when life was simple my hopes and dreams consisted of conquering the legal field as an entertainment attorney, marrying my soul-mate and living happily ever after with 2.5 kids and a dog named Max in a house surrounded by a white picket fence.

Well life doesn't always turn out the way we envision it. Today I am a divorced mother of two, the CEO of my own production company, a sought after speaker and bestselling author who is the owner of a dog name Samuel L. Jackson instead of Max. I never made it to law school, instead I took a detour when I enrolled at Tulane University and ended up on the front lawn of the School of Social Work instead. I still had my turn in the entertainment industry, just in a different capacity than I had originally planned.

As for my soul-mate, well I haven't given up on Mr. Right but if he never comes along at least I know that I've got happily ever after. Because despite how the course of my life has changed over the years one thing is certain; it all worked out perfectly in the end. So here's to another 41 years of doing the un-thinkable.

Summer, Summer, Summer Time

Remember when that last bell would ring and we'd run out of the door glad to be free for the next 2 months! Well that was over 20 years ago and my opinion of summer break has changed drastically. This year summer sucker punched me as I scrambled to make plans for my kids. I realized that I hadn't registered them for summer camp, no shorts and t-shirts had been purchased and we didn't have any vacation plans. And then the bell rung!

Suddenly I found myself dreading the next 2 months that I use to love. Now I sit back and wonder why these kids can't attend school year round? I mean come on...If I have to work 12 months out of the year they can take their behinds to school. Sorry teachers, I know my thought process is so unfair right now, but you're the ones screaming about low test scores, well this is the perfect solution for improving them.

And what is up with these camp prices?! $75 a week for one kid? But I have 2! Jeez... With a discount of only 10% I'm still paying close to $500 a month, that's a $1,000 just to guarantee that my kids won't become vegetables over the course of the next 2 months! That sucks! And guess what, summer sucks too! Now I'm longing for August, when my children will go back to school and my life will return to normal. School uniforms, free public education and 9 months of certified adult supervision...ahhhh, I can't wait!

What Are Your Dreams?

Recently I received a large envelope in the mail from an investment company and scrolled across the front in bold lettering was the question "What Are Your Dreams?" WTH, you mean I can actually dream? That it's okay for me to take time out of my busy schedule and float among the clouds imagining the possibilities and what ifs of life? As a single parent, we're often so busy, wrapped up in the lives of our kids and trying to make sure that everything flows smoothly that we rarely stop and think about ourselves, our goals, dreams and ambitions. When I would stop and try to dream I began to feel guilty as if I were indulging in a sinful behavior. But guess what i discovered? There isn't anything wrong with dreaming and longing for a better life.

That one piece of mail managed to capture and then hold my attention. I placed the envelope in a visible spot and for an entire month I allowed those bold words to transform my way of thinking. Yes, I allowed myself to dream. I thought about how wonderful it would be if I could quit my 9 to 5 and work for myself full time without missing a beat financially. I envisioned my dream home, being able to pay for my kids to go to college, helping my daughter out with her first born, and sitting behind the wheel of a brand new Mercedes C300! Yes honey, I let myself dream in high definition! lol. Then I took the dreaming a step further. I drove around in the neighborhood I want to someday live in, telling myself that it was okay to imagine sitting outside on my patio by the lake. On a another day as I was passing the Mercedes dealership I stopped and spoke with a sales person. I asked questions about my dream car, financing, maintenance and things of that nature. Hummm...this dream was actually obtainable.

Then on last week while browsing a sales table at Barnes & Nobles I ran across a book that showed you how to get your finances in order. So many times we never pursue our dreams because we think we lack the financial resources. Our excuses range from "I'm already living from paycheck to paycheck to my credit is a hot mess or simply, I'll never be able to afford that anyway!" Well I found myself picking that book up and heading towards the check out counter. Yes, I had taken dreaming to the next level. Those weren't my only steps towards turning my dreams into a reality. Next, I pulled my credit report to see what debts had to be cleared up. Wow, it wasn't as bad as I thought! Then I stopped by my local bank and with some extra funds that I had obtained from a recent book signing I opened up a savings account. And finally, I looked at my current business and how I could re-structure Shero Productions so it could become profitable in a shorter amount of time, allowing me to fulfill and maintain my dreams.

Sitting back and taking in this past month and all of the steps I've taken just because I allowed myself to dream caused me to smile. Ya know, a girl could get used to this dreaming stuff! In this short amount of time dreaming has allowed me to think outside of the small box that the world has tried to place me in. Dreaming has forced me to get off of my butt and get creative and take some chances! Dreaming has shown me that I've played it safe for a long time and in the end, everyone has ended up happy except me. Dreaming is about the possibilities of what life can offer you if you allow yourself to let go and just embrace the bigger picture. As Ralph Marston said, "Make your dreams a part of your reality and make your reality a part of your dreams."

It Girl

It seems just like yesterday when I was flat broke and loyal family and friends were like diamonds, rare and hard to find. But as my future brighten, and my career as a writer and motivational speaker began to take off, I've noticed that I am suddenly popular with the in crowd. My phone is ringing off of the hook, and text messages and emails are flooding in daily. Now it's "cool" to hang out with CJ because she is the new "it" girl in town.

But when I decline their fabulous party invitations, flirtatious advances and friends forever suggestions I'm suddenly snobbish, stuck up or worst... I don't want to socialize with the "who's, who," because not too long ago they were they same people who wouldn't be caught dead acknowledging me in public because I wasn't rocking Gucci, Prada or Christian Louboutin. I'm sorry that I'm not moved to be a part of the "in" crowd, sitting around and bashing people because they are doing something positive with their lives and talents. I just don't care to socialize with back stabbers, you know, the ones who smile in your face, but all their trying to do is take your place.

It has taken me years to understand, but I am finally beginning to realize why people like Michael Jackson isolated themselves from the rest of the world, living in a bubble, or moved to another country all together. It's easier to run than to stand up and deal with the fake, wanna be's, who at the end of the day are really waiting for you to fall flat on your face so they can have something else to gossip about. Well I ain't moving to Never Land or Paris and I enjoy life too much to live in a damn bubble. But what I can do is follow my heart and stick with the real gems in my life, people who love me regardless to how much money I have, what I'm wearing, or where I live and don't mind hopping on the city bus if my limo breaks down. I apologize in advance, but I'm sharing my red carpet, show stopping moment with the people who really matter in my life... you already know who you are :)

Love Jones

Thirteen years ago marked a milestone in my life, I meet a man who swept me off of my feet and introduced me to the movie that would become my all time favorite, Love Jones. Since that time, I've gotten married, had two wonderful children, blossomed into a successful author, gotten a divorce and returned to the not so wonderful world of dating. Yeah, things have changed since Love Jones came out and redefined what Black Love looks and feels like.

My dating encounters have been interesting to say the least. I've been charmed by the best to find out later in the relationship that they really weren't Prince Charmings, but toads in disguise, lol. I've also discovered that you can't have a meaningful relationship if you aren't 100% ready. Several times I've jumped in with both feet only to ease my feet out one at a time because the water was just too deep. Over the last two years I've longed for that relationship that Nia Long and Lorenze Tate shared on the big screen, but I've discovered that there is a big difference between Hollywood and reality. No one wants to listen to Charlie Parker, or view photographs taken by Gordon Parks (most people don't even know who those two people are). Dating has changed so distract since 1997. People are looking for someone to up their social status, or as one guy informed me "I want to walk into that party with the baddest bitch on my arm." Dating has become a "what can you do for me?" vs "Hey, I'd like to have fun and hang out and see where this may lead." I've learned from interacting on Facebook, that some people will rely on social networking to get to know someone (quickly glancing at their profile to find out their favorite movies, foods and hobbies) and recreate themselves (yes, fudge their profiles) to become the person they think you want in your life. Gone are the days of personal, face to face interaction. And good old fashion courting? Puh-lease!

But despite how the Internet has transformed dating, I've decided that I'll take my chances and hold out for that Love Jones connection. Maybe I'll get lucky and bump into a guy in a record store who knows the difference between Miles Davis and 50 cent.

The X Factor

Okay, being an ex is never easy, especially when children are involved. As you go your separate ways you will both become involved in new relationships and your lives will only be connected through your children. We all hope to have a cordial relationship, but many of us are faced with bitter exes who are out to destroy us emotionally. I recently found myself in a very uncomfortable situation were my ex had moved in with his girlfriend and decided not to tell me about this new transition. Yes, the kids and everyone involved lied to me about the entire situation for at least a month. As a mother I was devastated. I am not a Jazmine Sullivan or Carrie Underwoood, bust your windows out your car, kind of girl. I just don't have it in me to waste my time destroying peoples property. So when I asked my ex if the move was true and he lied, then told me he didn't think it was important that I knew where our kids stayed while they were with him or whom he had them around, I had to pause. So I went a step further and asked if I could meet his girlfriend because according to the kids they were spending time with her on the weekends, again his reply was no.

Now understand something, I don't care about his new relationship, in fact I'm very happy that he has finally found 'true love' as he likes to remind me. My problem is with the dishonesty and secrecy. Why would you tell me that my kids are staying the weekend at one location when in fact they are across town somewhere else at an undisclosed location. My next problem is with the girlfriend coming to my house with 'it' on her mind, getting out of the car and trying to 'start something' about a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with her. That made me wonder, 'What kind of woman are you? And do I even want my kids around someone who is willing to jump their mother while they are sitting innocently in the car you just hopped out of?" Ladies, if you are dating a guy who has kids please stay out of whatever is going on with him and his ex and believe only half of what he tells you about her. Some guys will use you to do their dirty work; get you all rilled up and ready to beat his baby mama down and you don't even know HER side of the story. Maybe he really doesn't pay his child support? Maybe she moved into a gated community because he was stalking her and she felt threaten. Maybe he comes up with excuses not to keep the kids when it's his weekend vs. she is refusing to allow him to see his children. And if he constantly refers to her as a bitch or a ho maybe you need to take a long hard look at him. Is this really about her or the well being of their children or is this about him and his big ego? Is he really over her? And why did she REALLY walk out of the relationship? When a man can't be respectful to the mother of his children; and what I mean by this is, he calls her by her name and treats her cordially (I understand that someone women can be difficult, let's keep it real), then you need to proceed with caution. Because if he doesn't respect the mother of his children what in the world does he really think of you?

When my ex whisked our kids off for the weekend, still refusing to tell me their whereabouts, I was a hot mess. Not only had he allowed his girlfriend to disrespect me in front of my home, but they drove off into the sunset without giving me any information about my children; babies I had carried for nine months. No one can describe the pain that I felt that day. I cried, snotted, and couldn't understand why someone would be this deceitful. Then it hit me. This was a form of emotional abuse! Bring the girlfriend and allowing her to get out of the car with a major attitude, not telling me where he was taking the kids to spend the weekend, all mental punches because they damage you on the inside. No one knows the damage except you.

So how did I survive? I prayed that God would watch over my children and help their dad to get some understanding that I wasn't going any where. We have ten long years to continue to be connected through our children. I can be all kinds of bitches and ho's in his mind, but at the end of the day I am still their mother; one who loves her children dearly. As for his girlfriend, well, I pity her. She is a single mother too, having raised two children alone, before my ex entered into her life. I pity her because of all people she should know better and because she is a mother she should want to meet me and assure me in a positive way that my kids will be okay when they are in her care. Acting ghetto fabulous on our first unofficial meeting was a major turn off. Him allowing her to act ghetto fabulous only confirmed what I was already thinking "that he's gotten inside of your head too."

Don't be a fool over a man. Never come between him and his ex. Always know your position in a relationship and play it well. You are not there to fight his battles and if the battles are increasing maybe it's time for you to throw up a white flag and bail out too!